7 Tips for Making Mom Friends
Practical tips for building your village as a mom
We all crave girlfriends as moms and for most of us, the majority of our friends are the long-lasting ones from childhood and college who no longer live close by. Having a few local friends with kids of similar ages to go through life together is so valuable, especially on the days when the only words it feels like we are hearing are “mom” “mama” and “mommy” all. day. long. So it’s time to throw on the big girl pants and make some friends.
Here are 7 tips to finding the best friends a mom could ask for:
Tip 1. Think about what you are looking for in a friend.
First and foremost, think about what you’re looking for in a friend. A good start is thinking about some qualities that you’d like to see more in yourself so that whomever you attract brings out those qualities in you! For me, that’s a friend who loves being spontaneous, having fun and being active. What about you?
Tip 2. Assume you are likeable.
There are times when we doubt ourselves and are unsure of what value we bring to the table. It’s time to believe in your own likability and assume people will like you. I sometimes have to reassure myself of that and look at the facts rather than letting the negative self-doubt take over. This leads me to the next tip.
Tip 3. Put yourself out there.
As awkward as it can be, you have to put yourself out there. That may mean attending that mommy and me class without knowing a soul or striking up a convo with a mom at school drop off. The more you do it, the easier it gets! And sometimes, actually more often than not, it takes several encounters before it feels like something might be clicking. Keep at it. One of my closest friends today was seriously THE toughest nut to crack. It took many encounters, both within larger, organized gatherings and smaller, informal get togethers before she felt comfortable opening up and letting people in. I am so grateful for my friendship with her and I am proud of myself for not giving up. You honestly have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
Tip 4. Put in the effort IRL.
Frequently. Friendships, just like anything else we care about, take time and energy. Technology has made communication so easy but has also mitigated the value of human connection. A text or a comment on her Insta feed is not the same as checking in by picking up the phone or grabbing a cup of coffee together. My friendship with one of my best friends that was made during adulthood happened because she took the time early in our friendship to pick up the phone to check in, say hi, or make plans. I was nervous at first but then I started to see how it deepened our friendship quickly and I began picking up the phone and doing the same with her. Be brave and deliberate with your friends. Friendships aren’t going to happen organically. It’s 80% effort and perhaps 20% luck.
Tip 5. Be a friend.
A friend once said it like this, “you need to be a friend to make a friend” and I believe there is so much truth to that. What exactly does it mean to be a friend? It means checking in on her, remembering important things (or marking them down in your calendar so you can remember) like birthdays, upcoming trips or big events, or maybe an important anniversary. A friend of mine calls me every year on the day my dad passed away and it means the world to me. Also, help out when you can. Is your friend having a baby, an upcoming surgery or has her S.O. been out of town a bunch? Can you bring her a meal or even better, organize a meal train for her? Can you invite your friend’s kids over to play and encourage her to enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet at home. You never know which friends or acquaintances could use a few hours apart from their children but are afraid to ask for help and would love to have you take them for an afternoon. Let’s share the load and come together to support one another. Think about ways in which you can be giving of yourself.
Tip 6. Be the connector.
Build on acquaintanceships and bring friends together. Be the organizer by arranging a park playdate, an afternoon outing or starting a book club. Maybe you met someone the other day who recently moved to your community and doesn’t know many people. Think about who she might connect with in your friendship circle and find a way to introduce them. Connect people without expecting/needing anything in return. It’s amazing how it always comes back tenfold. Perhaps you know someone who wants to get back into working out. Invite her to a bootcamp that you attend. You can be that “word of ‘mom’” and share with others about the things happening in the community. I have a friend who’s son loves to dance so I told her about a local dance studio that offers hip-hop dance classes for kids his age. She had no idea but because of our conversation, her son has been doing the classes for more than a year now and has gained so much confidence through performing and dancing with his peers. It feels so good to make those types of connections and your friends will also remember them.
Tip 7. Be vulnerable.
When meeting other moms, it’s so easy to keep the conversation all about our kids, but in order to deepen those friendships, we need to go beyond the kid convo. Be comfortable sharing a few personal things. Maybe you had a bad morning and got in an argument with your S.O. or perhaps you are struggling with feeling motivated to do something you’ve wanted to do for a while. The more we can let our guards down, the more we can invite others in. At the same time, I strongly believe that it’s okay to ask hard questions. Many people describe me as being incredibly blunt and forthright but with that, comes thoughtfulness and warmth. I’ll take it.
As Jane Fonda says “women’s friendships are like a renewable source of power.” It’s time to start renewing that power and form those friendships. Believe in yourself. You can do it!
